“Kiss me . . . here,” he said with a
thick Korean accent, pointing to his lightly pursed lips.
He turned to make sure no one could see us as we stood just
inside the front door of my house, out of sight of the neighbor
who, only a few dozen feet from us, was making her way to the
car. And in the private and highly charged space he created
between us, although I had been far more physically attracted to
other men in my life, I felt an intrigue and affirmation I had
never before experienced.
I had met him just ten days earlier. When my turn came, I
entered the serene atmosphere of the large open room in the
meditation center that was sponsoring his visit. It was my first
private audience with a spiritual teacher. Sitting on a raised
dais bathed in the warm light of late afternoon, he exuded a
quiet equanimity, a mysterious and powerful depth, and a
penetrating clarity and insight that seemed to transcend the
temporal confines of the present, reaching far back in time and
far forward into the future. And there I was, kneeling before
him, as he brought that power and wisdom to bear . . . on
me.
What he proceeded to say so directly penetrated me, so
thoroughly resonated with my own deepest knowing, that it seemed
to meld with the very cells of my being. He read my deep past;
he anticipated far ahead into my future. “You have done no
harm in past lives and have no heavy karma to make up
for,” he reassured me. “But now you must overcome
all your fears. You have high spiritual ability and the chance
to be a spiritual teacher in this life and to help many others
through the spiritual practice I can give you.” Dams and
locks in my psyche that I had not even been aware of suddenly
opened, and I was flooded with the mysterious sense of my own
karma—an overarching destiny and purpose that had shaped a
long succession of lifetimes. A vast universe arose in my
awareness, and with it a feeling of infinite potential. In that
moment, the vacant and gnawing space I had grown used to living
with since my youth was filled with inner knowing and certainty.
And what had been a long-evasive spiritual possibility suddenly
became real. In the presence of this one man, I found myself
overwhelmed by unconditional love and the deepest peace I had
ever known.
A week later, he asked if he could stay with me for a few
days in the small house I occupied in the mountains of upstate
New York. I had only one bedroom, I explained. But he insisted
that he would sleep on the futon couch in the living room. On
the second night, I was suddenly stricken with a bout of food
poisoning, and from the bathroom I heard him ascending to the
second floor. He told me to lie back on my bed. Through a
mysterious combination of deep guttural chanting and hand
movements in the air above me, he miraculously and almost
instantaneously alleviated my discomfort. Then he took my hand
in his. “You don't have to worry anymore, Jessie,”
he assured me. “I will help you if you ever get sick. I'm
the best health insurance you can have. May I lie next to you .
. . here?” He motioned near my prone body. In a strange
mixture of relief, flattery, and confusion, I said,
“Okay.” And that was the beginning of my special
connection with this powerful and charismatic shaman, yogi, and
Zen master.